Saying No is Also Saying Yes

I recently asked a friend to do a work project for me and she turned me down. This friend really wanted to do the work, but told me with a bit of embarrassment that she was burned out and needed to not work for some indeterminate time. While I was disappointed to hear she couldn’t do my project, I was thrilled to hear her say no. This is a rare thing in our culture and something more of us need to learn. Here is what I said to her in my response email to her saying no:

Bravo for saying no. I love that you are setting clear boundaries for yourself. I feel so happy to see this, even though, of course, I wish you were feeling better. If there is any way I can be supportive please let me know. In the meantime, sending love and blessings for this next phase of health and vitality. 

Saying no to my request told me two things about my friend. The first is that she must be really burned out to say no to me; and two, that she had the wisdom to know the truth, and the incredible courage to speak that truth. In fact, as she was saying no to me, she was powerfully saying yes to her own health and vitality. She was saying yes to her body which had been telling her for a long time to get more rest and take a break.

A week or so later we had tea and conversation together and talked and shared vulnerably about the experiences of our lives that meant we had to lay down our work and rest deeply. We talked about how even with supportive practices like asana and meditation, life can throw us years of unmitigated stress and trauma that take its toll. We talked about the expectations that women should always be available to do more and more to save everyone else, but never ourselves. We talked about the training we have that leads us to believe that even when our bodies are falling apart and our lives are totally unsustainable we should still be available to serve.

We talked about different rhythms of care—some practices can support us for a day, but we also need bigger breaks each week, and several times a year. We talked about self-care and how many of us are so out of balance that a little self-care isn’t enough. Sometimes we need a longer period of time off—maybe a year or more to recalibrate and truly rebuild our bodies and nervous systems. We talked about the shame and disappointment we feel internally when we can’t go on but want to. And we talked some about how our culture has trained all that into us so we will keep working and doing no matter what in order to keep that economic machine humming away.

We talked about polyvagal theory (of course!) and how likely she was near or in the dorsal vagal state and likely needed to rest a lot, limit stimulation, and that she probably needs simple movement that is more like water flowing than heavy exercise.

We also talked about self-care as a kind of myth—as if when we are down and out we should know what to do and have the energy to do it all by ourselves in the midst of our own disappointment and shame. We talked about times when our friends stepped forward to help us when we needed it and how important and meaningful that was. We cultivated that community at Yoga on High and are cultivating it still. We talked about how much we valued supporting others in our lives and that sometimes we had to let others in our community care for us so we could heal and rest. This community of care is part of what keeps me hopeful about the future. It was a great conversation that left me buzzing with a feeling of deep connection and inspiration.

A day or two later I wanted to write about this conversation and asked her if she was open to that.

What she said to me when I asked if I could use this story:

I would be very honored if you wrote about our conversation and this…process/experience/journey. If it can help anyone, help you and me and help move this culture toward nurture I am all in.

Also, I can’t tell you what a relief it has been since we talked to have your assignment to do nothing. That validation. And what that is, knowing there’s nothing wrong with me. My system is responding in a completely natural way to chronic stress/trauma. It’s built in and all I have to do is well… let it be. Do only what is needed. And to have you tell me to rest this way and not feel ashamed or guilty, well, that is so powerful. It is such a gift to have your friendship and help ❤️. Happy to contribute, excited to see where things go. 

And she sent another one the next day

I really love what you said about self-care. How we talk about it all the time, it’s become a buzz word and trendy and yet the reality of integrating actual care into our lives…by the time we do, a little isn’t enough. And our culture seems unaccepting of the true letting go that sometimes we have to do in order to marinate in the deep rest and deep listening needed. Thank you for naming that, I needed that validation.

These notes are part of what I mean by community care—we are there for each other, validating each other’s pain and our solutions to that pain. She already knew she needed and wanted to rest more which is why she refused my first offer of work. And yet, my listening to her and validation meant that maybe, just maybe, she would really do the rest. We are saying yes to reality, yes to friendship, yes to mutual support, and yes to love.

And so, as you read this, her exhaustion and willingness to rest, becomes a gift to you--a knowing that this might be possible for you too. That maybe you can take a break, go for a walk, watch the birds, read a poem, curl up on the couch or even take a sabbatical where you take time to come back to your full self. Come home to that part of you that oozes creativity and excitement, the love of life, curiosity, connection to yourself and others, a vibrant peacefulness that affects all around you.